Last Updated on May 11, 2025 by Cindy Benezra

It is a fascinating and oftentimes challenging experience to reflect on the intricate web of relationships we share with our parents. These bonds shape us in profound ways, influencing not only who we were in childhood but who we become as adults. Since the passing of my father years ago and my mother, decades before that, I’ve found myself grappling with the strange reality of no longer having any living parents. The absence of this connection has prompted deep reflection, not only about what those relationships meant to me but also about how they shaped my sense of self. 

My relationship with my father was complex, woven with periods of grief and pain stemming from his abuse. And yet, even in its challenges, it is undeniable that my identity has been influenced by him—by both his flaws and his strengths. My mother was warm and compassionate and, at times, struggled to protect me, but I still see the ways her deep love for me forms my ability to love. Our parents, for better or worse, carve out significant patterns in our behaviors, motivations, and even our worldviews. 

For me, reflecting on these dynamics brought up difficult questions. What guided my actions and thoughts toward my parents? Was it guided by love, fear, resentment, or something else entirely? Taking the time to sit with these questions hasn’t always been easy, but it has been empowering. It has helped me uncover layers of my identity that I hadn’t fully explored—the parts of me that are a continuation of my parents’ legacy and the parts I’ve worked to reshape. 

And now, as a grandmother and mother to adult children, I find myself looking at these relationships from the other side. I wonder how my kids see me. What do I represent to them now that they are adults carving out their own paths? Some of my children are parents themselves, and their lives have led to new dynamics between us. My role has shifted—not as a figure of authority but as a resource, a guide, and, at times, a witness to their growth. 

We are tied to our parents in ways deeper than most of us realize. These connections, regardless of their health or nature, offer valuable insights into understanding ourselves. Reflecting on parent-child relationships not only allows us to understand our past but also unlocks opportunities to create healthier, more fulfilling dynamics moving forward.

The Profound Impact of Parent-Child Relationships on Identity

Our parents are our first mirrors, reflecting ideas about who we are and our place in the world. Much of our behavior and identity during childhood stems from our relationship with them. But this dynamic doesn’t disappear when we mature; it evolves. 

For some, the bond with their parents transforms into a partnership, a mutual exchange of love and respect. For others, it remains complicated, filled with unresolved tensions or lingering pains. 

For many, the concept of a parent-child relationship looks different from the traditional narrative we often see in media or hear about from others. Some grow up with a single parent due to a divorce, the death of a parent, or even through adoption. Others may have distant or strained relationships with one parent or no contact at all. The reality of being raised by a single parent or an adoptive parent can shape a child’s perception of family, self-worth, and even their understanding of roles within relationships. 

I’ve often been struck by conversations where friends share that they looked to their peers’ parents or even fictional portrayals on TV to construct an image of what a parent or role model should be. While these external influences can help fill a void, they also highlight the resilience and adaptability of those raised in non-traditional family structures. Whether through the guidance of one loving parent or the lessons learned from other role models, the complexities of these dynamics offer invaluable insights into how identity forms in the absence of what society often labels as “complete” or “ideal” families. 

Regardless of its form, this relationship profoundly shapes how we approach our own roles as adults, parents, or even grandparents. By examining my own experiences, I’ve come to recognize this complexity. It has also allowed me to become more intentional about what I pass on to future generations—choosing to continue what aligns with my values and working to rewrite the narratives I don’t wish to perpetuate.

The Importance of Reflection

Reflection is not always easy. At times, it can feel like opening an old wound. But the act of looking back on your relationships with your parents offers a wealth of benefits. 

• Understanding motivations: Reflecting on your parents’ choices and actions (both positive and negative) can help you understand their possible motivations—and even how those influenced yours. This understanding fosters compassion and empathy, even in challenging relationships. 
• Breaking patterns: Painful family dynamics often pass from one generation to the next. Reflection gives us the power to recognize those patterns within ourselves and break the cycle moving forward. 
• Reclaiming your identity: Ultimately, these reflections allow us to reclaim ownership of our identities. It’s not about erasing the impact of your past but deciding how it will shape your future.

Building Healthier Parent-Child Relationships

For those fortunate enough to still have their parents or children in their lives, reflection doesn’t have to be limited to internal thought. It can be a starting point for rebuilding or strengthening relationships. 

Here are a few strategies that have worked for me and others in nurturing healthier connections with adult children and parents:

Practice Open Communication 

Dialogue matters. Speak honestly and openly about your experiences. When I began sharing some of the challenges I faced with my father, it opened the door for deeper, more honest conversations within my family. True understanding begins by being vulnerable enough to offer a glimpse into your perspective. 

Foster Empathy 

Try to approach your parent or child with empathy, even when their choices baffle or frustrate you. Imagine their circumstances or consider their upbringing—what might have motivated their actions? *Abuse in any form is never justified, and fostering empathy isn’t a call to give a pass for abuse. 

Redefine Roles 

Parent-child relationships shift as we grow older. For parents, it means letting go of the role of authority and offering support instead. For adult children, it often means seeing your parents as human beings—imperfect and striving in their own ways. 

Set Boundaries 

Healthy relationships often require clear boundaries. Whether it’s physical space, emotional limits, or clarity about expectations, boundaries help nurture respect on both sides.

Leaving a Legacy 

These reflections don’t just benefit us—they ripple through generations. The work we do to process and understand our relationships with our parents helps us show up more mindfully for our children and grandchildren. It allows us to create a legacy of emotional awareness and intentionality from which they can draw strength. 

When I think about my own legacy, I hope my children and grandchildren see me not as perfect but as someone who tried to evolve. Someone who learned from the past to create a healthier, more loving future.

Reclaiming Your Story

Parent-child relationships are profoundly intricate. They influence us in ways we may not fully understand until we choose to reflect on them. Whether your bond with your parents was loving, strained, or somewhere in between, taking the time to process its impact is an act of reclaiming your identity. 

It takes strength to examine these threads, but in doing so, we find clarity, compassion, and a deeper connection to ourselves and our family. This reflection is not just for us—it is for the generations we influence and the legacies we leave behind. 

Wherever you are in your own relationships, know that even small moments of introspection have the power to transform. Start where you are, and hold space for both the pain and the beauty in your stories. You are not defined by them, but you have the power to shape what comes afterward.