If you’re here, reading this, and you have experienced sexual abuse by a family member, I want to start with the most important thing I can say to you: What happened to you was not your fault. It was not okay. And you did not deserve it.
Sexual abuse by a family member is a betrayal that cuts in ways words can’t fully capture. It’s not just about physical harm—it’s about broken trust, stolen safety, and the confusion of being hurt by someone who was supposed to protect you. If you’re carrying this pain, quietly or loudly, know this: you are not alone. Sexual abuse within families is among the most painful and complex forms of trauma. According to RAINN, of those who come to law enforcement, more than a quarter are victimized by a family member. Among juvenile victims, that statistic jumps to approximately 34%.1 When someone decides to speak out about their experience, the response can be a catalyst for healing or another layer of harm. Tragically, many survivors face shame, disbelief, or ostracization from family members who don’t know how to process their own guilt, denial, or grief.
Important Truths
Sexual abuse within families is one of the most silenced forms of abuse. You may have been told to keep it secret or made to feel like no one would believe you. Maybe you were blamed, ignored, or even punished when you tried to speak up. Maybe you still haven’t told anyone, but I want to remind you that what was done to you was abuse.
It doesn’t matter how old you were.
It doesn’t matter how the abuser is related to you.
You did not “let it happen.” You survived it.
Your body, your emotions, your reactions—they all made sense in the context of trauma.
Whatever you did to survive was valid.
If you’re navigating this challenging reality, it’s important to know that you’re not alone and that what happened to you is not your fault. Finding validation within your family after such trauma can be a daunting path, but it’s not impossible. This article offers steps to guide survivors and provide hope in this deeply emotional process.
Deciding to Speak Up
I shared about my childhood sexual abuse with my family after my father’s passing. At the time, it felt like this would give me the final closure I needed. I could bury the grief of my childhood alongside my father.
What I didn’t consider were the emotional responses from my family when I shared. They had their own grief to process—grief about their relationships with my father, and now about me. Some blamed themselves for not knowing. Some shamed me, saying I was tarnishing the family name by speaking out. Others responded with such compassion that, through their loving words, parts of my wounded heart began to heal.
I immediately felt like a victim again, thinking, “This is about me, not you. Why am I the one nurturing you?” I was upset, confused, and overwhelmed. I needed space to process my feelings.
Eventually, I realized that if others needed to make it about themselves, so be it. Their emotions were not mine to carry. I could only take responsibility for my own. I shared my story with my family for one reason: to find closure within myself.
I also came to see that healing is deeply personal. Someone else may not need to share their story to find peace. There is no single right way to heal. The emotional waves—both mine and theirs—were part of the human experience. And for me, these were the steps I needed to take.
In speaking up, I found the most powerful part of my healing. It was through using my voice that I began to reclaim my self-worth and sense of power. What followed were quieter steps—years of healing that came slowly. But the bravest moments? They were the times I chose to speak.
Why Families Struggle to Cope with Sexual Abuse
When sexual abuse occurs within the family, the layers of shame, denial, and grief often make an already devastating situation even harder to address. Survivors are sometimes met with emotional shutdowns, deflection, or even victim-blaming. These harmful responses are typically rooted in the family’s inability to process their own emotions or the fear of altering the family dynamic. While it’s not your responsibility to fix the family’s dysfunction, understanding these dynamics can help you feel less isolated in your experience.
That said, your emotions, pain, and healing are valid, regardless of how those around you respond. You deserve to be heard, supported, and loved.
5 Steps to Find Validation and Healing
1. Acknowledge Your Journey and Feelings
Before you can address your family, focus on yourself. Take time to acknowledge what you’ve been through and recognize your bravery for speaking up. Feelings of shame, confusion, and anger may surface during this process, and that’s okay. Treat yourself with the compassion you deserve, and remember that your emotions are a natural, human response to trauma. Sometimes, starting with affirmations like, “What happened to me was abuse, it wasn’t my fault, and it should never have happened,” can be a profound step forward.
Support Tip:
Seeking therapy with a trauma-trained counselor can help you unpack these emotions. Websites like Psychology Today and Better Help are great ways to find a therapist who can help you on your healing journey. One book that can serve as a guide in the process of understanding the traumatic impact sexual abuse can have is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk.
2. Reclaim Your Rights to Boundaries
If your family is unable to provide the support you need, set clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. This could mean limiting conversations about the abuse with certain relatives, declining to attend gatherings, or distancing yourself from toxic dynamics. Boundaries are a form of self-care, not selfishness. It’s okay to prioritize your safety and mental health above maintaining appearances or traditional family expectations.
Reminder:
You are under no obligation to tolerate harmful behavior for the sake of family harmony. If your family is willing, consider setting up a joint family session with a therapist. This could create a safe container for you to share your thoughts and feelings while the therapist holds space for you.
3. Decide How and When to Speak
While not every survivor chooses to address their family directly, if this feels like the right step for you, plan ahead. Timing and setting can make a significant difference in how the conversation unfolds. Consider identifying one or two family members who feel safer or more understanding, and begin the discussion with them before branching out.
Be clear about what you need from the conversation. For instance:
- Are you seeking their acknowledgment of what happened?
- Do you want their help with accountability or confrontation within the family?
- Are you asking for their emotional support moving forward?
Practice setting the tone with statements like, “I want to share something important with you, and I just need you to hold space for me.”
4. Accept That the Response May Vary
Family members’ initial reactions may range from supportive to defensive or dismissive. While this doesn’t excuse harmful responses, it’s important to remember that their reaction often reflects their own inability to process pain.
However, a lack of initial understanding doesn’t mean the relationship is beyond repair. Some people may need time and education to comprehend the gravity of what happened. Still, if certain relatives remain unwilling to support you or perpetuate toxic patterns, you may need to reconsider their role in your life.
5. Seek Support Outside the Family
While it’s natural to seek validation from family, true healing often comes from broader support networks. Surround yourself with people who affirm your worth and respect your boundaries, whether that’s friends, mentors, support groups, or fellow survivors.
Community plays a vital role in healing, and you’re not alone in this experience. Organizations like RAINN, therapy collectives, and survivor forums can connect you with others who understand the nuances of abuse in families.
Resource:
- RAINN (www.rainn.org): Offers a National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE) and multiple online resources.
- The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (www.nctsn.org): Provides resources tailored to survivors of childhood abuse.
- Pandora’s Project (www.pandys.org): An online community for survivors, offering support groups and actionable resources.
Conclusion
Sharing your experience of childhood sexual abuse—especially when it involves your own family—is a deeply personal and courageous act. It’s important to recognize that not everyone needs to share their story with their family in order to heal. There is no one right path—only the one that feels most true to you. For some, healing happens quietly, privately, and powerfully without ever speaking a word to family members. For others, like myself, speaking out became a turning point—the most empowering step I could take in reclaiming my voice and my life.
Whether or not you choose to share, honoring your feelings, reclaiming your right to boundaries, deciding your own timing, preparing for a range of responses, and building support outside your family can all be foundational to your healing. You are not alone. You are not responsible for anyone’s comfort but your own. You are allowed to take up space, to speak, or to stay silent—and either choice is valid and brave.
In our next article, we’ll explore what comes after the sharing—how to begin reclaiming your power and rewriting your story on your own terms. Stay tuned. Your healing continues. Stay with it. You are not alone on this path.
Sources:
1. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). “The Effects of Sexual Abuse by a Family Member on Survivors and the Importance of Finding a Supportive Community.” RAINN, 30 Sept. 2022, https://rainn.org/news/effects-sexual-abuse-family-member-survivors-and-importance-finding-supportive-community. Accessed April 9, 2025.
