Last Updated on May 11, 2025 by Cindy Benezra
The Christmas song goes, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” This statement can certainly be true. This is the time of year when many take the time to be with loved ones, family, and friends and reflect on what they are grateful for. It’s when many of us indulge in good food while listening to our favorite holiday tunes. It’s a joyful time to gather and be part of that holiday spirit. I enjoy the sound of the clinking of glasses and boisterous conversations while surrounded by beautiful holiday decor in my cozy kitchen. This is the time of the year when desserts practically come with every meal if you wish!
It’s also a time of overeating, overdrinking, and unwanted and unsolicited advice from family members. It’s a time of overspending, long lines at stores, limited parking, and the frustration of things being sold out. In the Pacific Northwest, it’s the time of the year when we find ourselves ducking into sheltered areas to keep out of the elements of Mother Nature herself.
“Holidays with family can be chaotic, stressful, and overwhelming, but it can also be a beautiful time to be together despite all of our differences, insecurities, and shortcomings.”
I often talk about my adult son Brian, who is now in his 30s. He has special needs and is truly my greatest teacher in life. Recently, he had a hellacious day at Providence Hospital. He had six hours of various doctor appointments to be examined, poked, and prodded. At the end of the day, he frustratedly announced, “It’s not necessarily the happiest time of the year like the song says.” Brian explained that he finds it a time when he compares his family to other families. He wonders if other people are as happy as they appear. Sharing more, he said that sometimes, when the room is so full of strangers during a holiday gathering, he feels alone. With a sigh, he concluded that after the day he endured at the hospital, he really only wanted to have a quiet dinner and skip our large family dinner. I was touched by his genuine honesty and told him he was not alone in his feelings.
Stress During the Holidays
The reality is that we all have stress around the holidays, even if we do not celebrate them. The holidays can be intense because they are often filled with elevated expectations of excitement, joy, and happiness. When these expectations are unmet, they can bring up emotions of sadness, loneliness, and disappointment.
We do not know the true nature of everyone’s emotions when they walk into a room during this time. Some may have financial burdens, health issues, grief from the remembrance of a loved one passed, mad about the traffic, dread of being with family, fear of a relative drinking too much, or, like my son, Brian, just wanting to be alone after a tough day.
I reviewed it with Brian, who was coming to our family dinner. A cousin landed from Germany that day, and my sister-in-law flew in from Jordan. My sister and niece took the train from Montana. Siblings and their spouses would be coming after a long day of work. I reminded Brian that everyone would probably be tired, but what was important was that they were all making time to be together. Most likely, each family member would be walking into the room with their own set of struggles. When we are in the thick of our own problems, it’s hard to step outside ourselves and observe the needs of others. Sometimes, it just feels like we are the only ones suffering.
Managing Stressful Social Gatherings
After years of hosting many social gatherings, there are a few things I do to best manage the stress that can accompany these social situations. Here are a few tips that have helped me!
Physical techniques
- Give yourself permission to walk away from negative people.
- When encountering a toxic, overbearing personality, kindly walk away and chat with another person. Say nothing to their response, smile, or see if the host needs help.
- A quick walk or step outside to decompress your frustrations is a fast way to reset.
- The bathroom can be a fast place to escape and collect yourself if you are feeling anxious.
- If possible, encourage moments to laugh with others. A good belly laugh breaks up the anxiety you might be holding in your body.
- Smile.
- Utilize tapping exercises on pressure points. They are discrete and very helpful for anxiety.
Mental techniques
- Remember, one person’s opinion of you does not make it accurate. It’s just their opinion, which means nothing unless you choose it to be.
- Be aware that alcohol can amplify your emotions, so be mindful of how much you are drinking.
Proactive techniques
- Don’t sit next to those who trigger you.
- Practice deep breathing when you’re going into a situation where you might be anxious.
- Gossip or mean-spiritedness is not a good offense. Before you gather with other people, choose to be kind and loving with your words.
- Take care of your health before you attend an event by hydrating and having a snack to avoid ‘hangry’ behavior.
- It’s helpful to know that overbearing or toxic personalities most likely will not be accepting of your opinions. It’s best to choose how you will react if triggered.
Everything Will Work Out
Your thoughts and expectations can be swirling in the days leading up to the holidays with family, but reminding yourself that everything will work out, whether in that moment or at another time, can help put things in perspective.
For Brian, our conversation in the car took a turn after he ruminated on what I said in silence while rubbing his head. He finally said, “Well, let’s put on a smile. I’m so glad that the holidays only happen once a year. Two would be too much for everyone.” When we exited the car, he said, “Ok, I’m smiling with a funny kind of excitement to see everyone.”
To be honest, I was kind of annoyed with him in a mother kind of way when he first expressed not wanting to attend our dinner. My mind was so preoccupied that I marinated the chicken too long, anxious to get the table set, wash up, and make myself look presentable for guests and, on top of it, his health. His change of heart reminded me that everything would be ok. We can’t control the feelings and emotions of others but can do our best to control ours. Holidays with family can be chaotic, stressful, and overwhelming, but it can also be a beautiful time to be together despite all of our differences, insecurities, and shortcomings.
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