Last Updated on May 11, 2025 by Cindy Benezra

Being an advocate for sexual abuse victims by podcasting, blogging, and speaking has given me an incredible opportunity to listen to other people who have experienced commonalities of sexual abuse in all genders. I can relate to their intense grief of being a sexual abuse survivor. I do not get paid to do this. I do this to help others find hope, love of self, and offer tools to heal. Sometimes, just knowing that you are not the only one going through grief is healing. What I find wild is that this blog post holds a bit of vulnerability for me. For the first time in many years, this feels uncomfortable to share. Yet, I believe that by being real and authentic, I open the door for others to find authentic value and healing.

I feel deeply compelled to continue sharing my story despite the discomfort. As an advocate, I have a responsibility to be vulnerable and transparent, to shatter the silence and shame that so often surrounds sexual abuse. My own healing journey has taught me that there is power in owning our experiences and refusing to be silenced.

This blog is not just a platform but a sacred space where survivors can find solace, solidarity, and the courage to confront their own traumas. If my words can reach even one person and inspire them to begin their own healing, then this discomfort is more than worth it. I will continue to push past the fear to speak my truth loudly and boldly. In doing so, I honor not only myself but also all those who have suffered in silence for far too long.

Why Talk About Parental Sexual Abuse

Parental sexual abuse is one of the most harrowing experiences a child can endure. The betrayal by someone who should be a source of love and safety creates a web of complex emotional and psychological challenges. This blog post aims to explore these complexities, providing insights into the profound impact parental sexual abuse has on survivors’ mental health and offering guidance for those navigating their healing journeys.

Definition and Types of Parental Sexual Abuse

Parental sexual abuse occurs when a parent engages in any form of sexual activity with their child. This abuse can take various forms, including inappropriate touching, forced sexual acts, or non-contact activities like photographing or exposing the child to sexual content. These acts are often perpetrated under the guise of parental affection, making it difficult for the child to distinguish between love and abuse.

• Physical Sexual Assault: Unwanted physical contact or sexual acts.
• Non-Physical Abuse: This includes exposure to sexual content or behaviors, such as making a child watch pornography or involving them in adult sexual conversations.
• Grooming: Manipulative tactics used by the abuser to prepare the child for abuse, often by establishing trust and normalizing inappropriate behavior.

The Impact on Survivors’ Mental Health and Well-being

The psychological scars of parental sexual abuse are deep and multifaceted. Survivors often grapple with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a myriad of other mental health challenges. The abuse fundamentally alters their sense of self-worth and trust in others, as the person meant to protect them becomes their tormentor.

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Flashbacks, nightmares, and severe anxiety are common symptoms.
• Depression and Anxiety: Persistent sadness, hopelessness, and fear often accompany the trauma.
• Low Self-Esteem: Survivors may feel unworthy or ashamed, believing the abuse was somehow their fault.
• Trust Issues: Difficulty forming and maintaining relationships due to a damaged sense of trust.

The Complex Feelings of Loving a Parent but Hating Them for the Abuse

A parent’s role is intrinsically tied to love and guidance, making it incredibly difficult for a child to reconcile these feelings when abuse is involved. The bond with a parent is deeply ingrained, often leading to feelings of guilt and shame when negative emotions arise.

I remember moments of appreciation or even love towards my father when he acted as a healthy, loving parent. These extremes were so confusing. How could I love someone who hurt me so deeply? This dichotomy is a painful aspect of healing, where survivors must accept that it’s possible to feel both love and hate for the same person.

For me, the anger and hate towards my father grew as I did. I felt guilty for harboring such intense emotions, yet I couldn’t deny them. The rage grew to a place where I sometimes planned possible ways for his demise. While I never fully acted on these plans, the thoughts provided a twisted sense of relief, a way to imagine an end to the abuse. These conflicting feelings often left me questioning my own mental state, a confusion shared by many survivors.

The Shame When Your Body Responds to the Abuse

One of the most insidious aspects of sexual abuse is the body’s involuntary responses. It’s a biological reaction that can leave survivors feeling complicit in their abuse, compounding feelings of shame and guilt.

During the abuse, I experienced moments where my body responded in ways that felt betraying. It was confusing and deeply shameful. How could my body react positively to something so wrong? This is a common experience for survivors, where their body’s natural responses add another layer of trauma to their recovery.

The Desire to Please a Parent and the Confusion it Brings

Children often have an innate desire to please their parents, seeking approval and love. This desire becomes muddled when abuse is involved, as the line between right and wrong becomes blurred.

Growing up, my father was often angry, but he could also be charming. When I was young, his attention, even when taking photos of me at night, felt positive compared to his usual rage. This dynamic is a common thread in parental sexual abuse, where the abuser oscillates between moments of affection and aggression, placing the child on an emotional roller coaster.

Despite my rebellious nature, there were moments when I wanted to make my dad happy in a very innocent, childlike way. However, healthy boundary lines blurred when the only option to do this violated my body. This conflict is a common struggle for survivors, where the compulsion to gain parental approval is at odds with self-preservation.

The Fear of Family Breaking Apart

Parental sexual abuse often involves threats to keep the survivor silent. The fear of breaking up the family, losing stability, and facing societal stigma can keep a survivor from speaking out.

My father threatened that our family would break apart if I spoke up. He knew I loved my mom and sister and used this against me to keep me silent. I feared for my family’s stability, knowing my mom relied on him for income and security. In an era when divorce meant social and financial ruin, these threats loomed large over my silence.

The Role of Family Dynamics in Enabling Abuse

Family dynamics play a pivotal role in enabling abuse, whether through denial or lack of intervention. When abuse is at the hands of a parent, other family members may ignore signs to keep peace or prevent themselves from becoming targets.

It was not clear who knew about the abuse aside from my mom and sister after I disclosed it to them, but there was always a fear that others did and chose not to intervene. This lack of intervention breeds resentment and isolation, common themes in the stories of many survivors.

Challenges Faced by Survivors in Disclosing and Seeking Help

Disclosing abuse is fraught with challenges. Fear of not being believed, loyalty to family, and concerns about the aftermath can deter survivors from seeking help. Additionally, societal stigma around parental sexual abuse can exacerbate these fears.

For years, I struggled with the decision to speak out. The weight of the potential consequences seemed too great to bear. Many survivors face similar dilemmas, balancing the need for justice with the fear of shattering their family’s facade.

Resources for Support and Further Information

For those seeking support, there are numerous resources available:

• National Sexual Assault Hotline (800-656-HOPE) for immediate support and guidance
• Darkness to Light offers online training and resources for preventing child sexual abuse
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) provides a range of support services and information

There are also long-term care and recovery programs for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, which you can read more about here.

Conclusion

Parental sexual abuse leaves a profound impact on survivors, affecting every aspect of their lives. Understanding these complexities is crucial for healing and support. By sharing stories and providing resources, we can foster a community of understanding and resilience, encouraging survivors to seek help and begin their path to recovery. Survivors are not alone; support and care are available, and there is hope for healing and newfound strength.